I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
