I accidentally burped into my bong.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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