I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
