I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
