I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
