I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Maybe he injected his testicle?
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