Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
