You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
