just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
