meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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