Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
