dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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