hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
