Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
