I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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