so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dating After Heartbreak
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent