I got chris browned last night
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
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Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!