Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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