I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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