we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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