you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
