I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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