So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
