Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
