I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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