So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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