i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
