dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
