my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
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Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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