YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
