If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
