It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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