my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
