half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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