u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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