my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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