I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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