a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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