Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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