Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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