I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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