I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
