1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
