On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
as a side note pls kill me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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