I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize