I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
