You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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