so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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