just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
