Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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