Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him