I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.