Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
