whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
