soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
