I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
