Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
