It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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