Midget sex pt 2 tonight
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You're a waste of cheezeits
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
