ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
